I know, great title.
I’m trying what my therapist was technically not suggesting, but basically was suggesting yesterday. (Those of you in therapy probably know what I mean when I say that.)
I’m trying out processing-as-I-go, which is what I usually do with my blogs, but it seemed easier to just block everything out/stuff it down with this most recent hurtle.
I def wrote about this on Tumblr at first, but then with the uncertainty, I started blocking/stuffing.
I am really struggling financially. If I cannot figure things out soon (I gave myself until the end of the month), then I will have to move back to New Hampshire.
By “figure things out” I mean either live in a lower-rent situation (so either rent-free or less than $300) or get a higher-paying consistently full-time job.
I talked to my church’s pastor and she gave me enough money to make last month’s car payment (since it almost got repossessed… my dad saved me first and then my pastor) and said she would talk to pastoral care to see if they could find me a cheaper place to live. I have also been talking to people about trying to do some sort of writing job, as well as applying for any jobs I think I could do without sacrificing my mental health.
Obviously, this would be devastating to me. Colorado has become my home. I have friends here, church, other spiritual supports, friends who have become like family to me, and FINALLY someone I have just started to DATE! And I feel SAFE. Upon moving out here, I felt safe enough to finally process my trauma, which was when the PTSD developed.
I have an interview coming up for a job. I really, really want it, and not just because it will keep me in Colorado, but because I think I will enjoy it. I am afraid to write details of it at the moment.
I’m in this weird waiting emotion, which I thought waiting was more a state of being rather than an emotion, but right now it feels like an emotion. I would of course rather have this uncertainty than a definite having to move back to New Hampshire.
Oddly enough, I’ve only told some of my friends, not even my supposed “closest” friends about this recent struggle. I guess I don’t want to put them through the emotional waiting process I’m going through. I want to know before telling them? My other friends have been very supportive, some of them have actually paid for some food for me, which was really nice.
Part of my most current financial dip was a work injury and my landlord has fortunately been very understanding about it, but I am back at work and about to get a semi-normal-ish paycheck this Friday. I am a caregiver, though, so my shift amounts can change very quickly, and they have. I am trying to take the fill-in shifts that I can, but it’s not always working out with certain appointments I have (like therapy and the interview). This week I only have 16 hours scheduled. Writing that down just scared the fuck out of me. I am quickly running out of options.
I guess I try to suspend my emotions so that I can think clearly and charge forward into finding a solution for my most major problems, though that’s kind of how I ended up with PTSD in the first place, holding in all my depression, fear, and rage while experiencing all that trauma for 22 years.
So I’m writing out my current emotions to prevent emotional outburst?
Idk how to end this post, so… end?